think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
