It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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