I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
