was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
