I want to have your abortion
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
