I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
