Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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