Your mouth is God's brothel.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
