I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Don't EVER smell your tampon
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
