my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My dick has a subreddit
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
