she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
