Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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