I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
