yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
