my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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