ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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