my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
