I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
