I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
