Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
