So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
