I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
