I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
