Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
