I wish my penis had an off switch
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
A+ Viking dick
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
