Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
