I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
