I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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