in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
