so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
