I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
