I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
