I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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