Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
