Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
