Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
