I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
