good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
