he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
