Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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