I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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