Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
