If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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