just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize