there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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