I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
