Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
