I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Success! We fucked roommates!
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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