I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
