at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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