Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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