My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
