in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize