I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
