Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
