I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
