Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize