What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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